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When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

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I am not young enough to know everything.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

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If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

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Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

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The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

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Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

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Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

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Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

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Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

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Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

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He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

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One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

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Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

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The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

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Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

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Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

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Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

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If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

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When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

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Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

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Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

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Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

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Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

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Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

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We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

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There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

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Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

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Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

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To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

If thereÂ’s one thing I know itÂ’s God does love a good joke.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

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It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

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The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

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Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

A hen is only an eggÂ’s way of making another egg.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

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I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

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We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?